A Gloomy Week...

So, there isn't a whole lot of news from me except to say that not much has changed. I am still looking for a job which the very idea of makes me sick. I never thought I would be this person who cannot find work... I know I am not the only one and I'm not sure if I am more comforted or saddened to know that "for every work day in March 20,000 Americans lost their jobs". I suppose I am sadly comforted to be not alone.

Anyway, I have been having a rough time of it - to put it bluntly. Week one I was hopeful - week two I was optomistic - week three I was despondant and in week four I am trying to claw my way out of the black hole that is blocking out all my sunshiney hope and light. I've resorted to going to the gym and running not primarily for fitness or weight loss (the usual reasons) but to try to pump up some endorphins so I can get through normal daily conversations without crying. (It's not really working but I'm still trying, FYI)

I also found a book called FAITH in which I am searching for an answer. I have always felt that I was the type of person who had faith... I always am the first one to state that things happen for a reason - something I usually find pretty true. However, the events of late have left me wondering if there really is any reasons in the world... why, for instance, would I get into an accident, wreck my car and break my wrist? Why would that happen to me? I cannot think of anything that makes sense, really. Maybe my trip to visit my old boyfriend (who btw has been my friend longer than my husband) was morally wrong in some way and I was being punished - struck down quite literally....

I guess the grand reasons for things are not meant for us to know - but only to guess. I can only make guesses as to why after wanting a house more than anything for nearly our entire marraige, the universe or God would allow Karl and I to get close enough that we were about to put an offer in on a beautiful colonial when I was sat down and told that my job no longer existed. I can only guess as to the plan which included Karl being called back to the Army to go to Iraq which sent him into a major depressive episode, quit his job and put both of us through hell only to have him be sent home a month after reporting....

I have always felt that faith is something that gets you through. Something happens and you "have faith" that all will be ok. You remind yourself that if you believe in yourself and in other people, that good things will happen. Somewhere in my newly cynical self I do still believe that.

I went to a church once where the pastor told everyone that having faith had to be done with conviction. He told us that it was like sitting in a chair - that it was not enough to think that the chair was behind you - to hope it was - but you had to BELIEVE it - believe it so much that you didn't have to look first before you sat down.... I find that incredibly hard to do when the chair you are not looking at is your future.....

Going along with this person's idea it is not enough for me to hope that I will find a job and that Karl and I will someday have a home and be able to pay our debts - I have to believe it so much that I will never have a doubt in my mind, never waiver in the thought that success is coming my way - I have to "sit" and not look behind me - figuratively speaking.... Call me crazy but I think that kind of conviction is not only unusual but probably the hardest thing in life to find within yourself.

This book I'm reading says that having faith means having faith in yourself, in the idea that people are generally good and that there is meaning to life. The first one is the easiest. I am a damn capable person and I've been through a lot of you-know-what so I know that I can do and get through whatever is thrown my way. I have been away from my husband for a year and a half and made a successful marraige, I have overcome the fear I had when I began riding and still face it head on now and again, I have put myself through college and worked my butt off to be successful in more than one carear path. The first one is easy....

The second idea is rough because it involves more than yourself. Other people are a mystery to me. You can never know what is going on in other people's minds... they could be saying one thing to you and totally thinking another and you'd never know it. Honestly and overall goodness is hard to come by in people in general so the idea that fundamentally people are good is harder... But I would say that I do believe that people are good. Sure we all gossip and say mean things sometimes and swear at other drivers on the highway... that's human nature. But I have to believe that people are good in general because if I didn't I would be contradicting the goodness that certain people have shown me. I have been helped in more ways than I can explain. My friend Bob didn't have to take me and Sky to Josh's for training when I first got her, but he did. Lisa didn't have to drive Sky and I all the way down to Keene so that I could make it to E. Corrinth this year, but she did. John didn't have to drive all the way up here to give us lessons, but he did. Anyway, I do think people are good. But I will say it's hard to remember sometimes.

So that leaves us with the idea that life has meaning... Well, I suppose if it didn't then we are all bumbling around for nothing. That might be a topic for another day, as I am extremely long-winded today.

Sorry for my long post - I guess I got off-track. But this is where I am - trying to figure out why this is all happening and how to find meaning in it. I am sure it will be more clear to me when things are ok again, but the light is hard to see at the end of the tunnel right now - right now it's pretty dark and I'm hoping to see a light at all.