So, after A LOT of heartache, and thinking and pain... I have decided that the best thing for me is to seperate from my husband, Karl. This wasn't something that I came to overnight or even over a month... I haven't been happy with the way that our relationship has been for a long time and I always thought I could change it if I tried hard enough - if I was nice enough and cooked enough meals and did dishes without complaining than he would be the guy who cared what I was doing when I was gone and he would be the guy who would want to hold my hand when we sat around with friends... but he will never be that guy and I cannot change him. Karl and I have been through A LOT together - we've known each other the better side of thirteen years and we've been together on and off for the majority of that.... we've been married for five and half years now and we've had some very happy times.... but somehow that didn't add up to a happy life together.... We tend to fight more than we talk to each other... I have felt for a very long time that he has no interest in anything that I do, whether it's which job I take or which show I go to... He has been very depressed about the way his life has turned out but yet has not changed anything about it... and he has hurt me a lot by having secret accounts and emailing girls to get together... random girls in our town! I tried very hard to get over this... I tried very hard to look beyond it that he DOES love me, which I know he does... but I have decided in the ned that I simply cannot live a happy life with Karl... as much as I want it to be better, even our relationship being better isn't going to make me happy. I feel awful because I know I have hurt him by telling him these things and he still thinks that it can be fixed but, for me, it can't. I hate that I am hurting someone who I love more than anyone but I know in my heart that after this is all over and the dust has settled, that he will be happier too.
So, I have spent the last couple of weeks deciding how life will go... I am going to stay with Josh and Lisa and take care of their baby when Lisa goes back to work. I am taking a coaching job and hope to substitute teach on the one day a week that I am not needed to babysit. In the meantime, I'll continue to draw my unemployment and work for Lisa's dad, and look for something more permanent and well-paying. I am hoping that by the time Spring rolls around, I will be able to move into my own place or roomate with someone. My friend, Kate, in Manchester offered to have me room with her and I think that might be a great idea.
I have been spending time with friends this past week or two and I cannot belive how happy I can be. We've been going to Lisa's dad's house, which is on a beautiful small lake, and we've been driving jetskis and going out on a boat and tubing behind it! I have tried things this week that I never would have tried before... I just feel like I've been walking around with my jaw clenched, not realizing I was doing it, and now that I have relaxed, I am free.
Sky is doing so well. She is hilarious, per usual. Lisa had her two cousins come up for the week and the younger one wanted to ride... so early one morning before it got too hot we went out... I hopped on Sky and per Lisa's reccomendation but Cody on Shiloh. We hadn't even gotten off the road when Shiloh took Cody into the trees to eat and then when he tried to turn him around, wound up in the middle of the road. Imagine my horror when I saw the giant dump truck coming at us and this 16 year old kid in the middle of the road, unable to control the horse! So I screamed for him to get off and lead him out of the road and I got off too.... thank God the guy went as slow as he could! So, we walk them down to where we can safely get on and I trade horses... Sky looked as though she understood what was going on... Although she probably didn't understand what Cody was asking of her the majority of the time, with his reins messed up and his not exactly sitting on his BUTT, but she tried... she tucked her face and backed up, wondering what this kid wanted! As I got Shiloh ready to pay attention, Sky followed behind and knew to take care of this kid. I spent the majority of the rest of the ride turned around to make sure my baby was doing ok! She did great - Cody let her eat way way more than I would have, but that's ok - as long as she was good.
On the way back, we passed more BIG trucks and Sky took it all in stride. She was so great and I was so proud of her, I didn't even know what to say.... I guess it's one thing when she does well for me because I have been with her so long and we know each other so well, but for her to behave so great with a complete stranger and one who didn't know what he was doing, I was so grateful.... and proud!
So, now we are gearing up to go to New Discovery at the end of the month, fast approaching! I am very excited for that and for East Corinth, which will be here before you know it!
Thanks for all the kind words and support, friends... you are all good people!
C
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