I suck, I stink, I have no business riding at all!

So, those of you who are waiting for my truthful, angy rant about the job that I didn't get, I did write it but I am not posting it - I am trying to be above that and move on. Josh and Lisa took me out for a Cinco de Mayo pity dinner which washed my blues away (well, to the side) and today is a new day. Today I am (well, I was) looking forward to getting back on my own horse and starting anew.

After realizing I was going to have to ride alone, I got on Sky and gave it a shot. After a day off and a lot of 'working' she was pretty pissy. I tried my best to get her in line - going back to what I know and trying again - but she was still trying to get her head down at the lope and pretty much taking off with me! She is getting too far behind the bit so I was trying very hard not to bug her head every second and use my seat to slow her down but it wasn't working very well. We kept getting the incorrect lead which is frustrating (more to her than me and I was pretty frustrated) and after a while I could feel myself getting upset and worked up, which is never a good thing!

So I gave up and went in search of Lisa for help. Again. After the past few days of stress that I have had I had I am not surprised that I was frustrated with something going wrong - sometimes you hit the final straw and the camel goes splat!

Anyway, Lisa geared up and with Braeden in tow came down to give us her wisdom. Again. She helped me to calm down and to figure out how to slow her down without yanking on her and making her tuck her nose to her friggin chest! (GRRR.... feel the frustration...) After that she had me try to set her up and lope her... telling me not to 'goose' her - oh, you mean I shouldn't walk, walk, walk all calm, calm, calm and then BOOM ask her to lope! I did know that somewhere in my brain.. it just wasn't working today!

We managed to get the correct lead after a few tries and I realized. Again. that poor Sky is simply trying to do what I ask her to do and not being a b.i. - that she simply has no idea what I a asking her half the time b/c I cannot remember the training I've had for years and spass out.

Sky did a good job in the end. again. and I am disappointed in myself. John tells me not to be down on myself b/c he thinks I am a good rider (praise I do not deserve) and Lisa says I am just stressed about the past few days... Either way I suck, I stink and I have no business riding... I should pack it up now and pick some other hobby that I can actually do! I do not understand why I keep trying to do this thing that I am obviously no good at and I certainly don't deserve a horse as well trained and talented and full of heart as Sky is. She deserves a rider who knows what the hell she is doing! But, of course, I don't have the heart myself to let her go and I, somewhere deep inside and not at all on the surface right now, do have the drive to keep going and keep trying to learn and keep trying to make myself better than I am. Otherwise, I am just giving up and that is what a classless and small person would do and somewhere deep inside and not at all on the surface right now, I know I can make it happen.

Anyway, thanks. again. to Lisa for her help. We'll try this all again tomorrow at some point.

Oh, and we did lope over a pole today. She didn't kill me.

C