An interesting ride...

First, the good news - I got a job! Yeah!! Yeah Me! It's only part time and it's not very much money but I get to start tomorrow and it's something to do in the meantime until I find something or get more hours!

So, that's the good thing about my day - that and I got to hang out at the barn all day and ride with Betsy this afternoon. Michelle was here this morning and she lunged Red who was pretty spooky! But she's working on it and getting him up to speed and in shape for more riding.

I had to wait until the afternoon for Betsy to get out of work - so I rode in the yard for a while which was an adventure of its own. Sky was acting very gawky even at the walk. We trotted spirals and circles and then I made the mistake of asking her to lope... she can not for the life of her get the correct lead and she gets pissed off - pins her ears back and sticks her head up! I pretty much gave up on that, tried to end on a good note and then put her up and left her tied while I waited for Betsy.

Betsy finallly got out of work and Sky and I went down the road to meet Betsy and Harvey. We made it down the road and up Betsy's trail - no Betsy... so I call her and find we passed each other in the field! So, I trotted back down to the field at the corner and we finally got going.

We went down New Road a ways and as we passed a trail which looked like it had some ruts in it, like something had driven down there, I asked Betsy where that went... so Betsy says, "I think it goes to a dead end"... but we decided to check it out anyway. It was a beautiful trail but we were watching out the whole time because Betsy thought it the land belongs to a guy who she wound up in his backyard one time and he gave her a hard time about being on his land! So, we veered to the left to stay away from his house and wound up on some beautiful trails - we think made by this guy!

We came out down by a little pond and there was a bridge which looked somewhat questionable so we boondcocked it (boondock (v) - to venture off the beaten trail in search of a better route) through the stream which Sky did very well at considering her history with streams!

Continuing down the trail, we went through some serious muck and through another stream before we wound up coming out into a beautiful field! That's when Betsy instilled lots of confidance by saying, "I think I know where we are..." (famous last words!) But she really did know where we were and we happened to be behind someone's house which led to a dirt road which led back around to home.

We decided to cut across Windswept so I could come back home through the gate at the top of the powerlines in the field behind Lisa's barn. Along the way we came across a small (I'm talking small here - the lower part was about six inches) branch... Betsy sped Harvey up to jump it and she pointed him over the higher portion and he lept over. I, however, am not so adventerous so I slowed Sky to a walk and pointed her to the lower end thinking we would walk over..... oh no! Sky decided at that point to leap straight up and then lurch over the branch! OH SH**.... Now I had, in anticipation of this, held onto the saddle horn - lot of good it did me! As Sky continued on, loping at the speed of light, I found myself bouncing out of the saddle, losing both stirrups, all my reins and landing on top of the pommel, my legs flying up over her neck! With a fistful of her mane and a lot of grip wherever I could find it, I managed to pull her up somehow while steering her pretty much into Harvey to get her to stop.... Once she did manage to plant her feet, I proceeded to swear like a trucker before my eyes stung with tears over both the pain in my thigh and in my pride.

Betsy couldn't believe I'd stayed on and as we went along I tried to make sense out of what happened. The rest of our ride was uneventful and I came down through the power lines, which I like to do. All I can say is OMG!

So, wish me luck on my new job tomorrow! I'll let you know how it goes!

C

Possibilities and Horse Trailers but not Possible Horse Trailers....

So, not much is changing - I got an interview which would be exciting if it wasn't for a part time job that paid almost a whole salary less than my last job! But it was an interview and that was a whole interview more than what I have gotten so far!

Anyway, I am trying to keep my options open as well as my mind. I am doing my best to continue to stay open to whatever path life has laid out for me. I am trying to keep the faith that there is a bigger meaning to why I am without a job at this moment!

So, today Christina and I went to Townsends and looked at horse trailers - Horse Trailer Window Shopping we call it! I was happy to have finally found someone who is willing (and happy) to look through every single trailer and ooh and ahh at the ammenities of each. I thought I was the only one who had a secret obsession with the concept of goosenecks vs. bumper pulls and the ins and outs of living quarters... no, I have found a partner in crime!

Michelle and I managed to go out yesterday for a trail ride - and managed to keep from getting too lost! We made our way across Betsy's land and across from Windswept where we had a bit of a detour when we wound up in someone's backyard but after that we found our way to the dirt roads and back around! It was a good ride, without much incident although Sky was irritated to lead and did try to simply turn around a few times! Overall it was good, though.

I really need to start doing some more 'schooling' riding and working on her lope more and more... I am really hoping for John to come and help me out so I have a better starting point but in the meantime I need to get her going so I have something to tell him about!

So, I will leave you until next time and hopefully I'll have some more news.

C

An update on Sky and the Job Fair

So, before I rant about my experiences of late, let me fill you in on how Sky is doing... oh, yeah, the actual reason for my blog!

We've gone on about three two-hour rides with Betsy which has been super fun. We went out Sunday and she was great - we met Betsy at her house and then trekked out into the woods to avoid the wind that was blowing. Along the way Sky mistook a small branch on the ground for a three-foot fence and we lept over it - thankfully I managed to stay in the saddle! The end of our ride found us on 132 that day - passed by two sets of bikers and although I was terrified Sky and Harvey both simply stopped to put their ears up at the sound and kept on trucking once the bikes had passed (I think my heart can't take much more road riding though!)

I spent yesterday afternoon brushing, which I didn't really intend. I had wanted to get on and ride in the yard with Kay but once I had Sky out it was apparent she really needed a good brushing! The shedding blade has taken all the long winter hairs away but the plethera of pin hairs below had to be scrubbed away with a curry comb - by the time I was done my arm was covered in Sky hair! But she looked good and I am hoping that by getting her out and not riding, it will make her easier to catch next time!

Yesterday was an amazing weather day - sunny and warm and a little windy.. but alas, I was not riding with Besty on her day off - no I was standing on line with about 10K other sad saps with the idea that I was going to march into that overadvertised, underplanned, under employer represented job fair and miraculously begin my career again! HA!

Here is the day in a nutshell - I drove down to Manchester and sat in traffic waiting to park for about a half hour - I got into a seemingly endless line and waited for two hours to get on a school bus, sandwiched between an out-of-work construction guy who didn't even bother to find a pair of wrinkly khakis for the occasion and an out-of-work father who brought his teenage daughter along for the debacle - then I got on a full bus and sat in traffic for a half hour to get to the gym where I was pushed and shoved through a slow moving line of people. Now, let's describe the 'fair' itself - about twenty eight-foot tables manned by people with no authority whatsoever to interview or make decisions... these tables were covered with banners etc. declaring the name of the company - of course you couldn't see those banners b/c of the hundreds of people standing infront of the tables! I did manage to march myself up to some people and firmly hand them my resume but I doubt it did me any good. I think the people hiring were as dumbfounded as those who attended.... So, then, after about 15 minutes of pushing and shoving and realizing that I had about as much chance of getting a job there as I do of winning the Grand National, I forced my way out of the building...

So, once out of the building, I looked around aimlessly for a line to take us back to the mall... I was spotted by an out-of-work salesman who I sat with on the bus and we booked it into a long line - about ten minutes later we realized that we were in the line to get into the fair and had to hike around the builidng in order to get into another equally long line to get back. It was funny, really, because everywhere I went I overheard conversation about how awful it was and how it wasn't helping anyone. Through the whole day I only overheard one spatter between some college-age girls and an old guy in a suit regarding whose place was what in line, so it was orderly overall, but in no part thanks to those who 'organized' it.

Anyway, so I am back today to applying online and being grateful that the weekend is coming. My rant about Faith is still acuate - and i'm still trying. I managed not to cry yesterday despite the depression that lingered in every soul there - I think it was the idea that I am not alone that saved me!

So, you readers - please continue to send your good thoughts my way and pray for me if you're into that sort of thing... I am remaining firm that things happen because there is something else I am meant to do.... we'll get there... C

A Gloomy Week...

So, there isn't a whole lot of news from me except to say that not much has changed. I am still looking for a job which the very idea of makes me sick. I never thought I would be this person who cannot find work... I know I am not the only one and I'm not sure if I am more comforted or saddened to know that "for every work day in March 20,000 Americans lost their jobs". I suppose I am sadly comforted to be not alone.

Anyway, I have been having a rough time of it - to put it bluntly. Week one I was hopeful - week two I was optomistic - week three I was despondant and in week four I am trying to claw my way out of the black hole that is blocking out all my sunshiney hope and light. I've resorted to going to the gym and running not primarily for fitness or weight loss (the usual reasons) but to try to pump up some endorphins so I can get through normal daily conversations without crying. (It's not really working but I'm still trying, FYI)

I also found a book called FAITH in which I am searching for an answer. I have always felt that I was the type of person who had faith... I always am the first one to state that things happen for a reason - something I usually find pretty true. However, the events of late have left me wondering if there really is any reasons in the world... why, for instance, would I get into an accident, wreck my car and break my wrist? Why would that happen to me? I cannot think of anything that makes sense, really. Maybe my trip to visit my old boyfriend (who btw has been my friend longer than my husband) was morally wrong in some way and I was being punished - struck down quite literally....

I guess the grand reasons for things are not meant for us to know - but only to guess. I can only make guesses as to why after wanting a house more than anything for nearly our entire marraige, the universe or God would allow Karl and I to get close enough that we were about to put an offer in on a beautiful colonial when I was sat down and told that my job no longer existed. I can only guess as to the plan which included Karl being called back to the Army to go to Iraq which sent him into a major depressive episode, quit his job and put both of us through hell only to have him be sent home a month after reporting....

I have always felt that faith is something that gets you through. Something happens and you "have faith" that all will be ok. You remind yourself that if you believe in yourself and in other people, that good things will happen. Somewhere in my newly cynical self I do still believe that.

I went to a church once where the pastor told everyone that having faith had to be done with conviction. He told us that it was like sitting in a chair - that it was not enough to think that the chair was behind you - to hope it was - but you had to BELIEVE it - believe it so much that you didn't have to look first before you sat down.... I find that incredibly hard to do when the chair you are not looking at is your future.....

Going along with this person's idea it is not enough for me to hope that I will find a job and that Karl and I will someday have a home and be able to pay our debts - I have to believe it so much that I will never have a doubt in my mind, never waiver in the thought that success is coming my way - I have to "sit" and not look behind me - figuratively speaking.... Call me crazy but I think that kind of conviction is not only unusual but probably the hardest thing in life to find within yourself.

This book I'm reading says that having faith means having faith in yourself, in the idea that people are generally good and that there is meaning to life. The first one is the easiest. I am a damn capable person and I've been through a lot of you-know-what so I know that I can do and get through whatever is thrown my way. I have been away from my husband for a year and a half and made a successful marraige, I have overcome the fear I had when I began riding and still face it head on now and again, I have put myself through college and worked my butt off to be successful in more than one carear path. The first one is easy....

The second idea is rough because it involves more than yourself. Other people are a mystery to me. You can never know what is going on in other people's minds... they could be saying one thing to you and totally thinking another and you'd never know it. Honestly and overall goodness is hard to come by in people in general so the idea that fundamentally people are good is harder... But I would say that I do believe that people are good. Sure we all gossip and say mean things sometimes and swear at other drivers on the highway... that's human nature. But I have to believe that people are good in general because if I didn't I would be contradicting the goodness that certain people have shown me. I have been helped in more ways than I can explain. My friend Bob didn't have to take me and Sky to Josh's for training when I first got her, but he did. Lisa didn't have to drive Sky and I all the way down to Keene so that I could make it to E. Corrinth this year, but she did. John didn't have to drive all the way up here to give us lessons, but he did. Anyway, I do think people are good. But I will say it's hard to remember sometimes.

So that leaves us with the idea that life has meaning... Well, I suppose if it didn't then we are all bumbling around for nothing. That might be a topic for another day, as I am extremely long-winded today.

Sorry for my long post - I guess I got off-track. But this is where I am - trying to figure out why this is all happening and how to find meaning in it. I am sure it will be more clear to me when things are ok again, but the light is hard to see at the end of the tunnel right now - right now it's pretty dark and I'm hoping to see a light at all.

We can see the ground...

Hi All,

Not too much has changed since my last post - I am still job hunting and cannot believe I am in week three of joblessness - it's miserable. All my conviction that I had when I was first laid off that I would find a job in no time is gone! I am now only hoping to find SOMETHING at all - let alone an admin job which I am primarily searching for...

It's frustrating to say the least. I am somewhat bratty in that I am finding it hard to take advice on where to look (if one more person mentions that over-advertised job fair I might scream!) and have to force a smile when I am told again that, "it will all work out"... I know my family and friends mean well - I know that - but just like it was impossible for me to step into someone else's shoes - no one knows what it feels like to be without a job... no one can know how I feel, really. It is so hard not to feel useless when there is nowhere to go when I get up in the morning. It is scary to think that in a month, we might not be able to pay our bills and what will happen then - anyway.. I'm depressing myself now...

Despite all this joblessness crap I am doing my best to keep busy, if there is such a thing. I am finally finishing the quilt top that I started nearly a year ago - if you saw the tiny, tiny pieces that make it up, you would understand!

I'm also riding some, which is good. Sky is the same old Sky that I rode all last year - it's like she's exactly at the point I left her off at, which is good. Betsy and I went for a ride last week and utilized the Windswept indoor arena for a little while. I tried loping Sky and she got over-enthusiastic after the first time, and going to the right didn't go well at all. I feel that we have a lot of loping to do before we get close to being able to show this year.

She's also going behind the bit a little bit - something I really want to nip in the bud. I remember needing to do something called 'long and low' but am not sure what that is exactly. I will ask John when I can scrape up the money for our first lesson of the year. That one will be a refresher I think...wipe off some dust! And speaking of John, I've lost your email so if you are reading this email me at carriekmarston@yahoo.com

Anyway, we've gone on a couple of rides - short ones with Michelle and Kay, seperately... can't wait until the weather is better and we can go on some longer jaunts...

So, if you are out there, please keep me in your prayers... or thoughts or whatever it is that you put out there into the universe.... I am in need of good karma!

Thanks,

C

Spring is full of changes...

Well, we all know Spring is finally here - something I've been wishing for since the first snowfall! It's been a long rough winter and I'm ready for a new year to begin.

However, not all changes going on are good ones... or easy ones, should I say. I had the severe displeasure of being laid off from my Administrative Assistant position 10 days ago. It was a humiliating experience and one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I am still feeling blindsided and stunned and although I have applied to over twenty jobs, I am still waiting for one call back. I think there is a huge amount of people in the same boat as me, which is not comforting since these people are all my competition for the few jobs that are out there.

Everyone I know has been no less than supportive and wonderful. Karl is plowing along at his overnight job at Hannaford's - something he hates but does anyway. Lisa is generously letting me into her home during the day to use her kitchen table and wireless internet as my makeshift "job search office"... I have receieved lots of advice about where to look for jobs and lots of words of sympathy and faith in my ability to find something else soon. Despite all the support, I am still finding it hard to face each day without the purpose of something to do or somewhere to go. I, like Sky, am a creature that needs a purpose and relishes the idea that I am useful to another.

Sky, by the way, is doing really well. We went out with Besty for a two hour jaunt around the nearby dirt roads and other than a little jigging (inspired by Harvey, I believe) we did well. We've been out on considerably shorter rides with Kay and Michelle - seperately. Both these ladies are now boarding at Lisa's as well and I love the idea of having trail riding partners more regularly. They are both slightly nervous riders so Sky and I do our best to be the brave ones even though she is considerbly younger than either of their mounts. She hasn't given me anything to complain about although I'm looking forward to the yard being clear so that we can work on more ring-oriented skills. The first LRSS show is May 31st, so we have a lot of time to improve.

Anyway, I am unable to take the advice that I should enjoy this 'time off' because that is not my nature. I am plunging into another round of resume submissions this morning and hate the idea of another week with no prospects. The whole thing is depressing and I am losing my ability to smile through the well-wishes. I don't have the strength to sugar-coat my disappointment in the latest backslide that Karl and I are forced to endure. It isn't fair and there isn't that much more to say.

C

How much would you give up?

So, it’s over now, and Sky is still safe and sound in Lisa’s pasture, with her horse buddies, but Karl and I got in a fight a couple weeks ago. Long story short, he wanted me to give up Sky in order for us to have more money available to pay his old school debt, which keeps him from finishing college.

My visceral reaction to this request was, ‘hell no,’ and from this experience I pretty much learned that there is little that could happen in my life to make me think that not having my horse in my life would be the correct course of action. I realize that from the outside, and probably more so to non-horse people, there is a practical point of view... I imagine this is how my husband sees it sometimes: in dollar signs... our household does shell out a considerable percentage every month to house and feed my 900 lb animal, and sometimes that money going out of the account is painful... we’ve put a considerable amount into her training, transport, and upkeep over the years (nearly 3 I’ve had her!) and if you add that up it, it is enough to put a down payment on a house with...

I know these things... I know it costs a lot – and I also know that it will never mean as much to my husband as it does to me – no matter how much he cares about me... What he cannot know is the empty hole that appears in the pit of my stomach when the idea of selling Sky could seem possible. He can’t feel the pressure behind my eyes or the wave of nausea... I imagine selling her would be like cutting off my arm.

I did sell my first horse when Karl was heading off to Korea... I had only had Bailey less than two years and it hurt a lot then. But Bailey was 15 and a strict trail-only type of horse. I learned a lot from him but our growth has no comparison to what I’ve been through with Sky. She was practically a BABY when I got her!

Anyway, like I said, it’s over now and neither Sky or Karl have gone anywhere. Fights like that teach you something about yourself, though. I learned that I would probably give up my marriage before my horse – not because I think one is greater than the other, but because I think I deserve both and that anyone who would make me choose doesn’t deserve to be with me anyway. I learned I do not measure my success in numbers, but in moments of swelling pride that accompany accomplishments I’ve earned. I learned I do not value Sky based on the amount of money I’ve spent on her behalf, or the amount I could possibly gain from her sale – I value her on based on the sense of purpose she gives me – I value her for the horse she’s become – every non-spook, every willing footfall, every collected stride is worth millions to me.

PS – on a side note – it’s March, and I promise to write more as with every melting foot of snow, there will be more to write about!