Well, we all know Spring is finally here - something I've been wishing for since the first snowfall! It's been a long rough winter and I'm ready for a new year to begin.
However, not all changes going on are good ones... or easy ones, should I say. I had the severe displeasure of being laid off from my Administrative Assistant position 10 days ago. It was a humiliating experience and one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I am still feeling blindsided and stunned and although I have applied to over twenty jobs, I am still waiting for one call back. I think there is a huge amount of people in the same boat as me, which is not comforting since these people are all my competition for the few jobs that are out there.
Everyone I know has been no less than supportive and wonderful. Karl is plowing along at his overnight job at Hannaford's - something he hates but does anyway. Lisa is generously letting me into her home during the day to use her kitchen table and wireless internet as my makeshift "job search office"... I have receieved lots of advice about where to look for jobs and lots of words of sympathy and faith in my ability to find something else soon. Despite all the support, I am still finding it hard to face each day without the purpose of something to do or somewhere to go. I, like Sky, am a creature that needs a purpose and relishes the idea that I am useful to another.
Sky, by the way, is doing really well. We went out with Besty for a two hour jaunt around the nearby dirt roads and other than a little jigging (inspired by Harvey, I believe) we did well. We've been out on considerably shorter rides with Kay and Michelle - seperately. Both these ladies are now boarding at Lisa's as well and I love the idea of having trail riding partners more regularly. They are both slightly nervous riders so Sky and I do our best to be the brave ones even though she is considerbly younger than either of their mounts. She hasn't given me anything to complain about although I'm looking forward to the yard being clear so that we can work on more ring-oriented skills. The first LRSS show is May 31st, so we have a lot of time to improve.
Anyway, I am unable to take the advice that I should enjoy this 'time off' because that is not my nature. I am plunging into another round of resume submissions this morning and hate the idea of another week with no prospects. The whole thing is depressing and I am losing my ability to smile through the well-wishes. I don't have the strength to sugar-coat my disappointment in the latest backslide that Karl and I are forced to endure. It isn't fair and there isn't that much more to say.
C
Monday, March 23, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
How much would you give up?
So, it’s over now, and Sky is still safe and sound in Lisa’s pasture, with her horse buddies, but Karl and I got in a fight a couple weeks ago. Long story short, he wanted me to give up Sky in order for us to have more money available to pay his old school debt, which keeps him from finishing college.
My visceral reaction to this request was, ‘hell no,’ and from this experience I pretty much learned that there is little that could happen in my life to make me think that not having my horse in my life would be the correct course of action. I realize that from the outside, and probably more so to non-horse people, there is a practical point of view... I imagine this is how my husband sees it sometimes: in dollar signs... our household does shell out a considerable percentage every month to house and feed my 900 lb animal, and sometimes that money going out of the account is painful... we’ve put a considerable amount into her training, transport, and upkeep over the years (nearly 3 I’ve had her!) and if you add that up it, it is enough to put a down payment on a house with...
I know these things... I know it costs a lot – and I also know that it will never mean as much to my husband as it does to me – no matter how much he cares about me... What he cannot know is the empty hole that appears in the pit of my stomach when the idea of selling Sky could seem possible. He can’t feel the pressure behind my eyes or the wave of nausea... I imagine selling her would be like cutting off my arm.
I did sell my first horse when Karl was heading off to Korea... I had only had Bailey less than two years and it hurt a lot then. But Bailey was 15 and a strict trail-only type of horse. I learned a lot from him but our growth has no comparison to what I’ve been through with Sky. She was practically a BABY when I got her!
Anyway, like I said, it’s over now and neither Sky or Karl have gone anywhere. Fights like that teach you something about yourself, though. I learned that I would probably give up my marriage before my horse – not because I think one is greater than the other, but because I think I deserve both and that anyone who would make me choose doesn’t deserve to be with me anyway. I learned I do not measure my success in numbers, but in moments of swelling pride that accompany accomplishments I’ve earned. I learned I do not value Sky based on the amount of money I’ve spent on her behalf, or the amount I could possibly gain from her sale – I value her on based on the sense of purpose she gives me – I value her for the horse she’s become – every non-spook, every willing footfall, every collected stride is worth millions to me.
PS – on a side note – it’s March, and I promise to write more as with every melting foot of snow, there will be more to write about!
My visceral reaction to this request was, ‘hell no,’ and from this experience I pretty much learned that there is little that could happen in my life to make me think that not having my horse in my life would be the correct course of action. I realize that from the outside, and probably more so to non-horse people, there is a practical point of view... I imagine this is how my husband sees it sometimes: in dollar signs... our household does shell out a considerable percentage every month to house and feed my 900 lb animal, and sometimes that money going out of the account is painful... we’ve put a considerable amount into her training, transport, and upkeep over the years (nearly 3 I’ve had her!) and if you add that up it, it is enough to put a down payment on a house with...
I know these things... I know it costs a lot – and I also know that it will never mean as much to my husband as it does to me – no matter how much he cares about me... What he cannot know is the empty hole that appears in the pit of my stomach when the idea of selling Sky could seem possible. He can’t feel the pressure behind my eyes or the wave of nausea... I imagine selling her would be like cutting off my arm.
I did sell my first horse when Karl was heading off to Korea... I had only had Bailey less than two years and it hurt a lot then. But Bailey was 15 and a strict trail-only type of horse. I learned a lot from him but our growth has no comparison to what I’ve been through with Sky. She was practically a BABY when I got her!
Anyway, like I said, it’s over now and neither Sky or Karl have gone anywhere. Fights like that teach you something about yourself, though. I learned that I would probably give up my marriage before my horse – not because I think one is greater than the other, but because I think I deserve both and that anyone who would make me choose doesn’t deserve to be with me anyway. I learned I do not measure my success in numbers, but in moments of swelling pride that accompany accomplishments I’ve earned. I learned I do not value Sky based on the amount of money I’ve spent on her behalf, or the amount I could possibly gain from her sale – I value her on based on the sense of purpose she gives me – I value her for the horse she’s become – every non-spook, every willing footfall, every collected stride is worth millions to me.
PS – on a side note – it’s March, and I promise to write more as with every melting foot of snow, there will be more to write about!
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