Yesterday was an interesting day. I worked a little in the morning - had a talk with the owners who seemed concerned about my state of not having a set schedule - it was a good talk but I don't think much got accomplished considering that when I went back to work I still didn't have any assignments to complete. It's a weird job to say the least.

Anyway, I had the privilage of hanging out with John for a bit in the afternoon which was fun. I got to meet his farrier who is cool and chat a bit. He was riding Penny, his very talented mare, and was nice enough to show me a few things and answer some questions while he was on her. It is good to be a little more clear on the things I am working on with Sky and to get reinforced that I am doing the right thing.

So after I hung out with John I went over to the ballpark to surprise Karl and watch his little leauge practice. He was certainly surprised to see me and Sadie which was good. I chatted with his "team mom" who is so nice and played ball with Sadie and some kids who were around... of course children love her and she loves them!

Today I worked Sky for a bit who is getting her correct leads when turning on the fence (more like a rollback in our case as we have no fence but it's more fun that way!). I didn't try her straight from the walk today - only on the rollback, so she could have some more time to get it right. She did get a little, shall I say, pissy at being asked to lope and shot forward one time - I kept her going, though, which was good.

Anyway, I am confident that we will progress - hopefully in time to show and not make a fool out of ourselves! HA!

C

Feeling Blessed

So yesterday morning I will admit I was not a happy camper. It's hard to be in limbo, regarding jobs and life and after being sent home from work after having been there only an hour (a situation which left me paying out more in gas and tolls than I made) I was a little irritated.

Like all bad days I took myself up to the barn to decompress a little. It was a hot one and Michelle was busy grooming Red. We chatted for a bit - poor Lisa was headed out to see about her sore tooth, which has been bugging her forever. So, Michelle and I hung out - made a run to the store - and outlined some plans about what to do to get ready for the shows coming up.

After Michelle left I thought that the heat had been subdued enough by the upcoming wind to ride. I like riding in wind because it reminds me of Texas. In Texas (well in El Paso and Southern NM anyway) it is windy for the whole month of March. I used to be scared of riding in the wind - what if a bag goes flying across the ring or what if the noise spooks her - but I got over that quickly down there because there is really no other choice plus Sky got swiftly over her fears of flying objects while she was at Josh's and they rode sun, sleet, wind or whatever... that reminds me of a great story.

Justin (Justin is Josh's assistant who I took a lot of my lessons from) was riding one day there and it started to cloud in... A few raindrops were coming down but nothing serious and you could hear the thunder in the distance. Josh says to Justin, "I think you should quit about now" and to that Justin says, "It's alright, it's just a little rain". Then Josh replies, "I'm not worried about you getting wet, I'm worried about you getting electrocuted"... It was funny at the time. Maybe you had to be there.

So, after a lot of grain shaking and calling Sky came down (YES!) from the field and after a good grooming I saddled up and headed out into the wind to ride... There are three round bales covered by a blue tarp living in the corner of our riding area right now and the wind was bringing that pile to life - at first I was a little nervous that she would spook at it but after the first go-round I realized she could care less - (AWESOME! - LOVE MY HORSE!!!)

Anyway, we rode for about an hour in the yard - lots of trotting and transitions and some loping both ways - at first we had a bit of a hard time as she is still not clear about the cues or the leads but we are getting there. By the end we were doing really well and had a couple of great stops as she was begging to stop loping (she's got a stop, I'll tell ya!). I felt really accomplished and as I was walking her back up to the barn I felt really blessed. Here I was earlier in the day whining and complaining about the state of my life and in that moment later in the day I was counting myself among the luckiest people around. It was a beautiful day and the wind had made it cool and fresh and bug-less. I had my amazing horse who tries so hard for me and is so talented. I had the time to do the work and get better and feel accomplished. In that moment, life was good.

I hear horse people say all the time that horses are better than therapy. I agree b/c she is a living breathing accomplishment of mine and she reminds me that life is about so much more than the things that drag us down. I didn't figure out any major issues by riding but I did feel better and I did have a much more positive prospective and I think that is better than therapy has ever done for me.

C

Workin' hard or hardly workin'

Hello people, new and old... don't forget to become a Sky Fan - join the cool kids!

Well, I had a great weekend, as you can see from the last post and today was another day off before I have to work tomorrow - this part time thing is a toss-up - on one hand I have time to work with my horse and hang out with my friends but on the other there is, obviously, not as much money and I must deal with the limbo my life continues to be in since getting laid off. It's still rough, I must say.

Today was a good day. I helped Lisa move some pallets with her tractor - good times... then I got on Sky for almost an hour, working on her lope. She is doing better at getting the correct lead both ways - I am working a little harder to the right b/c that is her "bad" side. Lisa helped me out some from the ground while she sat outside with Braeden (her now two-week old little boy). She is the greatest and I don't say that lightly - really, she's the greatest.

Sky was fiercely sweaty when we were finished so I hosed her down and worked on some showmanship stuff (we have a lot of work to do there, as well) while she dried a little.

It's nice to be able spend the day outside and doing some physical work. It's been a while that I've been chained to a desk and I forgot how nice it is to be out in the sun and get your hands dirty - to feel like you are actually DOING something. Not to discount the work I've done as an admin or even in event planning but there is something to be said for doing a physical job and seeing it through to the end... It might be as satisfying as filing a huge stack of paperwork or seeing a nervous bride happy at her reception but those things you don't get to do outside!

Anyway, we are off to get ice cream - a fitting end to a good day. I work for a whopping two hours tomorrow then I will be back to another adventure - hopefully another good trail ride with Betsy.

C

A Busy Weekend.

Hello All. So this weekend was jammed packed - our friends, Scott & Nikki, along with their baby, Isaac, came to visit while they looked for a house in the area. Nikki is a lawyer and she found a new job here in Concord, so they have about a month to move from Syracuse to here!

So I spend most of Friday night and Saturday morning cleaning like a madwoman to make our little apartment look like a page out of Better Homes & Gardens as well as planning and prepping Saturday night's dinner.

I did manage to ride a little bit on Saturday - despite the record-breaking heat. Everyone else was busy or otherwise desposed so Sky and I took a jaunt across the road on the power lines. It was interesting because I usually ride Sky alone only for a little while to meet someone, so this was our first adventure truly alone in a while. I was surprised at how willingly she went a long and I did a lot of walk/trot transitions to include some 'training on the trail'. We loped up some of the hills and walked others to build muscle as well!

It was hot so it was the perfect day to give the first bath of the year! Being tobiano, Sky tends to get pretty dirty so it was a good thing all around. Part of me was wishing I could be hosed down too - it was hot!

So today after Scott & Nikki headed out I headed myself up to the barn and met Michelle to ride. We made plans to meet Betsy at her house and we were on and going after I had to go chase Sky away from the new round bale everyone was happily munching on in the pasture!

We had a great ride - about two hours around Windswept and through the wooded trails, connecting to the beautiful ones that Betsy and I found the other day. The bugs are definately out and they were swarming around Sky's ears so next time we go out I am going to have to scrounge to find her ear bonnet. I felt bad for her as they were giving her a hard time, but she did ok. We did some trotting and a little loping and crossed quite a bit of puddles and streams... all good things from a training perspective.

Tomorrow I will work in the yard again and see where we can get with the program. I did lope her on Saturday in the yard and she did pretty well. I have to do some showmanship work as well as possibly lope over a pole in order to start lopeover work.

Take care and we'll talk to you soon - I'm off to eat dinner and take Sadie home

C

Pre-Season Workouts and Pre-Season Jitters

Today is Day 1. After John's visit yesterday and the enormous amount of work I have realized I have thirty-something days until the first LRSS Show, I have put myself in 'pre-season training' mode.

I've decided to approach getting ready for the shows like I would approach any other sport - by practice and planning and proper preperation (I know you love the P's there!!)... See, I used to be an athlete - I cheered all through college and any of you out there that think that's not being an athlete I'd love to see you survive the boot-camp style pre-seasons I endured.

Now in my old age, I am (sadly) no longer in the shape I once was... but I have spent years coaching as well and I do remember how one gets ones butt in gear.

So last night I spent some time going through all the old horse magazines I refuse to throw away, thought about what John had told me, and wrote down a plan in my trusty notebook. It's kind of like when I made a plan for coaching cheerleading but instead of pike pushups and toe touches Sky was going to be doing the following:

1. Warm Up by lunging to get her energy out (John's suggestion)
2. Get on and flex both sides to stretch her neck.
3. Walk large and small circles - stretch and make her use her back legs
4. Walk/Trot/Stop transitions - lots of this - both ways, including shoulder in exercises
5. Trotting - circles, spirals, serpentines etc.
6. Turns into the 'fence' at walk and trot
7. Turns into the 'fence' and cue to lope - both directions - lope on correct lead three times around and then transition to walk or trot.
8. More trotting, walking to cool down
9. some work on trail type stuff - trot overs, back-throughs, sidepassing pole and to the mailbox.
10. Short jaunt down the road and back to relax and cool down.

So, that's what we did today. I expect that as we go along I will make up a plan for each day - slightly different in progression so that she doesn't expect anything or get bored (hopefully).

I did give her a good brushing after this day of work and did notice she is somewhat sore on her left side near the center of her back. She seemed sensitive to it while I was currying it, especially when I used more pressure. I took some linament to it as well as put corona on her boo boos which include a new one where it looks like she skinned her knee a little. Poor Sky.

So coming up it is supposed to be warm so I am looking forward to riding more and giving her a bath. I will probably try Josh's saddle to see if that fits her better than mine and see if that is the cause of her pain. Lisa said b/c it is only on one side, then I might be riding crooked... I'll watch out for that too.

I can only hope that we can get in shape and feel good about how we are riding before the shows start. I am nervous about showing this year. I think last year I felt a little ok b/c I had done w/t before and after realizing that there weren't that many people in the classes and that I could do well, I relaxed about it. But this year is the land of the unknown - playing with the big boys (or girls, more acurately). Yeah, yeah, there is all that we like to say about personal best and showing for fun and how it doesn't matter if you do well as long as you have a good time, but anyone that knows me knows that I have a streak of competitiveness. I cannot play a board game without personally wanting to take somebody down - it's just a thing. I like to win and I'm not scared to say so. It's not that I'm evil or anything, I just like to do well - when I don't I take it personally b/c I know there is no one to blame but myself.

So, this year I am feeling the crunch b/c I know that I am the small fish in the big pond and no longer the big fish in the small pond. That's a scary leap to make. I think that as adults it is a pretty brave thing to put yourself (and in this case your horse) out there to be judged. As kids we are expected to - sports and dance recietals and science fairs - but after you enter the land of the working stiffs, you are allowed to fade into the background... go to work, go home and veg out infront of the TV, hang out with friends on the weekend, and do it all again....

But I think it takes a driven person to not only keep working at a skill (doesn't have to be riding but you know what I mean) and then actually ask to be judged on it. I think it brings back our childhood need to be acknowledged and validated. It also brings back our adolescent fear of not getting either!

I was thinking this morning about being in line after a class and waiting to hear what the judge's results and how I would feel if I didn't do well or (gasp) didn't place at all! I am sure I will need to embrace the idea soon enough - we are small fish after all, and I do know that I will have to add a pink and/or green ribbon to my collection at some point, and that's ok because it will be a big pond ribbon and isn't that worth more than a blue in the small pond? Is it? I know it is more valuable but I have to wait to find out if it feels just as sweet or if it will be a bitter pill to swallow.

C

New Developments

Hello All! First I must tell you about the new feature! You can now become a "SKY FAN" and officially follow my blog! Please add yourself to the list as a reader so I can figure out who is reading about Sky and I. I have decided my goal this summer is to see how many people I can get to read my blog and follow our crazy adventures!

So, this morning I was woken up by a man who wasn't my husband - now that I have your attention... Yeah - it was Frank. Frank rides with the clan when we go to East Corinth.. He has ridden with others there for years and I have had the privilage to get to know him in the past few seasons. Frank is in his 80s and puts every single one of you to shame with his time spent in the saddle. He is the only person I know, retired or not, who can ride 5 hours and call that a short ride! He even broke his ribs last year and was riding six weeks after... he's a super character and one hell of a guy and when he is driving through for one reason or another he calls me up and we meet up. So, this morning I was woken up by Frank and he invited me to meet him for coffee. After grudgingly taking Sadie out to pee, I managed to drag my unshowered, dragged out of bed, creases still on my face self down the road!

It was well worth it, as Frank is always full of stories and great to get a laugh. We chatted about his possibly joining the few I am trying to get togehter to camp out near Marsh Billings sometime in June, about when he is headed to Otter Creek in NY in May (I am SO JEALOUS - I've wanted to go there forever... if only I had a trailer of my own!) and about people who we both know... but of course, never in a gossipy way! :)

Anyway, after that I nursed my sore wrist, which Lisa swears is sore b/c of the recent rain... I refuse to believe I am that decrepit yet! Then it was up to Lisa's b/c John called and had a few minutes to spend with Sky and I regarding her troubles at the lope.

I was very excited, mostly b/c John hasn't seen her since the fall and I was anxious to get a starting point to really kick off my hard work to get us into a w/t/c class this year. So, I rode her in the yard to warm her up and when he arrived, he hopped on her and started some work...

OH, SKY - she is a character like no person I know! It was obvious from my unique vantage point on the ground that she was wondering in her horsey mind what this guy was doing up there! I think it became clear to her soon enough that 'this guy' was there to make her work and although she did great, she wasn't too thrilled about it at first.

He showed me how to use a 'railing'. (I use quotes here b/c we don't have any fence in the yard yet so we used poles on the ground to simulate where a railing would be) He would turn Sky into the railing so she had to spin on her haunches to turn her body the other way which makes her push off with her outside hind leg and reach forward with her inside front leg - perfect timing there to ask for the lope.... Ok this is where I felt like a retard b/c we did a TON of that at all gaits in NM at Joshs'! I cannot for the life of me think of why I didn't think to do that!

So he showed me how to get her to stretch and use her outside hind leg, from sidepassing off the rail, then turning, to simply doing small circles at the walk in order to get her to use it. This all made sense to me and I was patiently waiting for my turn to try, but I think John got into a groove and as humid as it is today, Sky was getting all the workout she needed. He loped her quite a bit and got her very collected.

He told me that she needed a lot of work - lots of wet saddle pads... this I knew but I wasn't sure where to start. Now I have some skills to do - lots of transition work and lots of trotting and working at the lope both ways... I should and probably will write down the excersises I want to do and plan ahead a little better.

Because I cannot resist starting right away I plan to ride her this afternoon after a few hours of rest for her... Should be good.

So don't forget to become a "sky fan" and I'll see you next time!

Thanks John for the time - I appreciate it a lot!

C

I'd Rather Ride...

So, yesterday was a good day. Overall, anyway... it was nice weather and I didn't have to do anything in particular (well I was supposed to go to Easter do-over at my parents but we'll get to that later.)...

I decided I would ride in the morning and then head up to said family activity, which I really didn't want to go to in the first place. It's not that I am anti-family it's just that it's an hour long drive and I've driven it about once a week lately.

So after getting to the barn and chatting with Lisa in person and with my friend Scott online (who is moving with his wife and baby back to NH soon - yeah!) I headed out to round up Sky. On this day, luckily, rounding up Sky simply involved calling her and holding a stall door open for her to sprint through! Some days we are not so lucky.

Anyway, Michelle was out in the yard lunging Red when we started out to ride. I invited her to go for a short jaunt, considering I didn't have a lot of time but she insisted Red had worked enough for the day. Oh well.

So Sky and I rode in the yard for about a half hour. I loped her both ways after swallowing my fears that it would go badly. John told me after my last post that she was trying to give me what I was asking for, not being the snot I thought she was... This, I think might be a matter of attitude - not Sky's - mine. If I concentrated more on whether or not I get the result I had asked for then I can concentrate less on the manner in which it is given... so I asked for the lope, let her head come up some (who cares, really at this point), ignored the pinned ears, and went for it. At first she did get off on the wrong lead, but I simply pulled her up and started again, from the walk.

Anyway, after riding for a bit, I got off and checked my phone before untacking... good think b/c Betsy had called and wanted to ride.. good timing that I could hop back on and go to meet her... had to call my mom to tell her I'd be late, but hey, I didn't really want to go anyway and it's going to rain all week, so I figured I better get in while the getting is good.

So, I meet Betsy and we did a reverse of a ride we did the other day, making it a little shorter and doing a little less tresspassing than last time... overall it was uneventful but nice - we did some slow trotting and managed to have no real incidents...

But by the time we got back it was 130 and I was supposed to be at my parent's house for 100, so I called my mom and told her I wasn't coming... I felt bad but was happy to be able to have the rest of the day to not rush.

So, I will hopefully get on today - depending on how cold it is (I know I'm a wuss). Then I work tomorrow (like the sound of that) and it's supposed to rain, so I imagine we won't ride for a while.

Oh - and we are in the works to camp out near Marsh Billings around the beginning of June - yeah - something to look forward to!

C

An interesting ride...

First, the good news - I got a job! Yeah!! Yeah Me! It's only part time and it's not very much money but I get to start tomorrow and it's something to do in the meantime until I find something or get more hours!

So, that's the good thing about my day - that and I got to hang out at the barn all day and ride with Betsy this afternoon. Michelle was here this morning and she lunged Red who was pretty spooky! But she's working on it and getting him up to speed and in shape for more riding.

I had to wait until the afternoon for Betsy to get out of work - so I rode in the yard for a while which was an adventure of its own. Sky was acting very gawky even at the walk. We trotted spirals and circles and then I made the mistake of asking her to lope... she can not for the life of her get the correct lead and she gets pissed off - pins her ears back and sticks her head up! I pretty much gave up on that, tried to end on a good note and then put her up and left her tied while I waited for Betsy.

Betsy finallly got out of work and Sky and I went down the road to meet Betsy and Harvey. We made it down the road and up Betsy's trail - no Betsy... so I call her and find we passed each other in the field! So, I trotted back down to the field at the corner and we finally got going.

We went down New Road a ways and as we passed a trail which looked like it had some ruts in it, like something had driven down there, I asked Betsy where that went... so Betsy says, "I think it goes to a dead end"... but we decided to check it out anyway. It was a beautiful trail but we were watching out the whole time because Betsy thought it the land belongs to a guy who she wound up in his backyard one time and he gave her a hard time about being on his land! So, we veered to the left to stay away from his house and wound up on some beautiful trails - we think made by this guy!

We came out down by a little pond and there was a bridge which looked somewhat questionable so we boondcocked it (boondock (v) - to venture off the beaten trail in search of a better route) through the stream which Sky did very well at considering her history with streams!

Continuing down the trail, we went through some serious muck and through another stream before we wound up coming out into a beautiful field! That's when Betsy instilled lots of confidance by saying, "I think I know where we are..." (famous last words!) But she really did know where we were and we happened to be behind someone's house which led to a dirt road which led back around to home.

We decided to cut across Windswept so I could come back home through the gate at the top of the powerlines in the field behind Lisa's barn. Along the way we came across a small (I'm talking small here - the lower part was about six inches) branch... Betsy sped Harvey up to jump it and she pointed him over the higher portion and he lept over. I, however, am not so adventerous so I slowed Sky to a walk and pointed her to the lower end thinking we would walk over..... oh no! Sky decided at that point to leap straight up and then lurch over the branch! OH SH**.... Now I had, in anticipation of this, held onto the saddle horn - lot of good it did me! As Sky continued on, loping at the speed of light, I found myself bouncing out of the saddle, losing both stirrups, all my reins and landing on top of the pommel, my legs flying up over her neck! With a fistful of her mane and a lot of grip wherever I could find it, I managed to pull her up somehow while steering her pretty much into Harvey to get her to stop.... Once she did manage to plant her feet, I proceeded to swear like a trucker before my eyes stung with tears over both the pain in my thigh and in my pride.

Betsy couldn't believe I'd stayed on and as we went along I tried to make sense out of what happened. The rest of our ride was uneventful and I came down through the power lines, which I like to do. All I can say is OMG!

So, wish me luck on my new job tomorrow! I'll let you know how it goes!

C

Possibilities and Horse Trailers but not Possible Horse Trailers....

So, not much is changing - I got an interview which would be exciting if it wasn't for a part time job that paid almost a whole salary less than my last job! But it was an interview and that was a whole interview more than what I have gotten so far!

Anyway, I am trying to keep my options open as well as my mind. I am doing my best to continue to stay open to whatever path life has laid out for me. I am trying to keep the faith that there is a bigger meaning to why I am without a job at this moment!

So, today Christina and I went to Townsends and looked at horse trailers - Horse Trailer Window Shopping we call it! I was happy to have finally found someone who is willing (and happy) to look through every single trailer and ooh and ahh at the ammenities of each. I thought I was the only one who had a secret obsession with the concept of goosenecks vs. bumper pulls and the ins and outs of living quarters... no, I have found a partner in crime!

Michelle and I managed to go out yesterday for a trail ride - and managed to keep from getting too lost! We made our way across Betsy's land and across from Windswept where we had a bit of a detour when we wound up in someone's backyard but after that we found our way to the dirt roads and back around! It was a good ride, without much incident although Sky was irritated to lead and did try to simply turn around a few times! Overall it was good, though.

I really need to start doing some more 'schooling' riding and working on her lope more and more... I am really hoping for John to come and help me out so I have a better starting point but in the meantime I need to get her going so I have something to tell him about!

So, I will leave you until next time and hopefully I'll have some more news.

C

An update on Sky and the Job Fair

So, before I rant about my experiences of late, let me fill you in on how Sky is doing... oh, yeah, the actual reason for my blog!

We've gone on about three two-hour rides with Betsy which has been super fun. We went out Sunday and she was great - we met Betsy at her house and then trekked out into the woods to avoid the wind that was blowing. Along the way Sky mistook a small branch on the ground for a three-foot fence and we lept over it - thankfully I managed to stay in the saddle! The end of our ride found us on 132 that day - passed by two sets of bikers and although I was terrified Sky and Harvey both simply stopped to put their ears up at the sound and kept on trucking once the bikes had passed (I think my heart can't take much more road riding though!)

I spent yesterday afternoon brushing, which I didn't really intend. I had wanted to get on and ride in the yard with Kay but once I had Sky out it was apparent she really needed a good brushing! The shedding blade has taken all the long winter hairs away but the plethera of pin hairs below had to be scrubbed away with a curry comb - by the time I was done my arm was covered in Sky hair! But she looked good and I am hoping that by getting her out and not riding, it will make her easier to catch next time!

Yesterday was an amazing weather day - sunny and warm and a little windy.. but alas, I was not riding with Besty on her day off - no I was standing on line with about 10K other sad saps with the idea that I was going to march into that overadvertised, underplanned, under employer represented job fair and miraculously begin my career again! HA!

Here is the day in a nutshell - I drove down to Manchester and sat in traffic waiting to park for about a half hour - I got into a seemingly endless line and waited for two hours to get on a school bus, sandwiched between an out-of-work construction guy who didn't even bother to find a pair of wrinkly khakis for the occasion and an out-of-work father who brought his teenage daughter along for the debacle - then I got on a full bus and sat in traffic for a half hour to get to the gym where I was pushed and shoved through a slow moving line of people. Now, let's describe the 'fair' itself - about twenty eight-foot tables manned by people with no authority whatsoever to interview or make decisions... these tables were covered with banners etc. declaring the name of the company - of course you couldn't see those banners b/c of the hundreds of people standing infront of the tables! I did manage to march myself up to some people and firmly hand them my resume but I doubt it did me any good. I think the people hiring were as dumbfounded as those who attended.... So, then, after about 15 minutes of pushing and shoving and realizing that I had about as much chance of getting a job there as I do of winning the Grand National, I forced my way out of the building...

So, once out of the building, I looked around aimlessly for a line to take us back to the mall... I was spotted by an out-of-work salesman who I sat with on the bus and we booked it into a long line - about ten minutes later we realized that we were in the line to get into the fair and had to hike around the builidng in order to get into another equally long line to get back. It was funny, really, because everywhere I went I overheard conversation about how awful it was and how it wasn't helping anyone. Through the whole day I only overheard one spatter between some college-age girls and an old guy in a suit regarding whose place was what in line, so it was orderly overall, but in no part thanks to those who 'organized' it.

Anyway, so I am back today to applying online and being grateful that the weekend is coming. My rant about Faith is still acuate - and i'm still trying. I managed not to cry yesterday despite the depression that lingered in every soul there - I think it was the idea that I am not alone that saved me!

So, you readers - please continue to send your good thoughts my way and pray for me if you're into that sort of thing... I am remaining firm that things happen because there is something else I am meant to do.... we'll get there... C

A Gloomy Week...

So, there isn't a whole lot of news from me except to say that not much has changed. I am still looking for a job which the very idea of makes me sick. I never thought I would be this person who cannot find work... I know I am not the only one and I'm not sure if I am more comforted or saddened to know that "for every work day in March 20,000 Americans lost their jobs". I suppose I am sadly comforted to be not alone.

Anyway, I have been having a rough time of it - to put it bluntly. Week one I was hopeful - week two I was optomistic - week three I was despondant and in week four I am trying to claw my way out of the black hole that is blocking out all my sunshiney hope and light. I've resorted to going to the gym and running not primarily for fitness or weight loss (the usual reasons) but to try to pump up some endorphins so I can get through normal daily conversations without crying. (It's not really working but I'm still trying, FYI)

I also found a book called FAITH in which I am searching for an answer. I have always felt that I was the type of person who had faith... I always am the first one to state that things happen for a reason - something I usually find pretty true. However, the events of late have left me wondering if there really is any reasons in the world... why, for instance, would I get into an accident, wreck my car and break my wrist? Why would that happen to me? I cannot think of anything that makes sense, really. Maybe my trip to visit my old boyfriend (who btw has been my friend longer than my husband) was morally wrong in some way and I was being punished - struck down quite literally....

I guess the grand reasons for things are not meant for us to know - but only to guess. I can only make guesses as to why after wanting a house more than anything for nearly our entire marraige, the universe or God would allow Karl and I to get close enough that we were about to put an offer in on a beautiful colonial when I was sat down and told that my job no longer existed. I can only guess as to the plan which included Karl being called back to the Army to go to Iraq which sent him into a major depressive episode, quit his job and put both of us through hell only to have him be sent home a month after reporting....

I have always felt that faith is something that gets you through. Something happens and you "have faith" that all will be ok. You remind yourself that if you believe in yourself and in other people, that good things will happen. Somewhere in my newly cynical self I do still believe that.

I went to a church once where the pastor told everyone that having faith had to be done with conviction. He told us that it was like sitting in a chair - that it was not enough to think that the chair was behind you - to hope it was - but you had to BELIEVE it - believe it so much that you didn't have to look first before you sat down.... I find that incredibly hard to do when the chair you are not looking at is your future.....

Going along with this person's idea it is not enough for me to hope that I will find a job and that Karl and I will someday have a home and be able to pay our debts - I have to believe it so much that I will never have a doubt in my mind, never waiver in the thought that success is coming my way - I have to "sit" and not look behind me - figuratively speaking.... Call me crazy but I think that kind of conviction is not only unusual but probably the hardest thing in life to find within yourself.

This book I'm reading says that having faith means having faith in yourself, in the idea that people are generally good and that there is meaning to life. The first one is the easiest. I am a damn capable person and I've been through a lot of you-know-what so I know that I can do and get through whatever is thrown my way. I have been away from my husband for a year and a half and made a successful marraige, I have overcome the fear I had when I began riding and still face it head on now and again, I have put myself through college and worked my butt off to be successful in more than one carear path. The first one is easy....

The second idea is rough because it involves more than yourself. Other people are a mystery to me. You can never know what is going on in other people's minds... they could be saying one thing to you and totally thinking another and you'd never know it. Honestly and overall goodness is hard to come by in people in general so the idea that fundamentally people are good is harder... But I would say that I do believe that people are good. Sure we all gossip and say mean things sometimes and swear at other drivers on the highway... that's human nature. But I have to believe that people are good in general because if I didn't I would be contradicting the goodness that certain people have shown me. I have been helped in more ways than I can explain. My friend Bob didn't have to take me and Sky to Josh's for training when I first got her, but he did. Lisa didn't have to drive Sky and I all the way down to Keene so that I could make it to E. Corrinth this year, but she did. John didn't have to drive all the way up here to give us lessons, but he did. Anyway, I do think people are good. But I will say it's hard to remember sometimes.

So that leaves us with the idea that life has meaning... Well, I suppose if it didn't then we are all bumbling around for nothing. That might be a topic for another day, as I am extremely long-winded today.

Sorry for my long post - I guess I got off-track. But this is where I am - trying to figure out why this is all happening and how to find meaning in it. I am sure it will be more clear to me when things are ok again, but the light is hard to see at the end of the tunnel right now - right now it's pretty dark and I'm hoping to see a light at all.

We can see the ground...

Hi All,

Not too much has changed since my last post - I am still job hunting and cannot believe I am in week three of joblessness - it's miserable. All my conviction that I had when I was first laid off that I would find a job in no time is gone! I am now only hoping to find SOMETHING at all - let alone an admin job which I am primarily searching for...

It's frustrating to say the least. I am somewhat bratty in that I am finding it hard to take advice on where to look (if one more person mentions that over-advertised job fair I might scream!) and have to force a smile when I am told again that, "it will all work out"... I know my family and friends mean well - I know that - but just like it was impossible for me to step into someone else's shoes - no one knows what it feels like to be without a job... no one can know how I feel, really. It is so hard not to feel useless when there is nowhere to go when I get up in the morning. It is scary to think that in a month, we might not be able to pay our bills and what will happen then - anyway.. I'm depressing myself now...

Despite all this joblessness crap I am doing my best to keep busy, if there is such a thing. I am finally finishing the quilt top that I started nearly a year ago - if you saw the tiny, tiny pieces that make it up, you would understand!

I'm also riding some, which is good. Sky is the same old Sky that I rode all last year - it's like she's exactly at the point I left her off at, which is good. Betsy and I went for a ride last week and utilized the Windswept indoor arena for a little while. I tried loping Sky and she got over-enthusiastic after the first time, and going to the right didn't go well at all. I feel that we have a lot of loping to do before we get close to being able to show this year.

She's also going behind the bit a little bit - something I really want to nip in the bud. I remember needing to do something called 'long and low' but am not sure what that is exactly. I will ask John when I can scrape up the money for our first lesson of the year. That one will be a refresher I think...wipe off some dust! And speaking of John, I've lost your email so if you are reading this email me at carriekmarston@yahoo.com

Anyway, we've gone on a couple of rides - short ones with Michelle and Kay, seperately... can't wait until the weather is better and we can go on some longer jaunts...

So, if you are out there, please keep me in your prayers... or thoughts or whatever it is that you put out there into the universe.... I am in need of good karma!

Thanks,

C